The Restart
by hakanaii
Summary: He wanted to understand, so he changed his perspective. [modern AU! warning: recreational drug use]


Thank you to jeniezee and for-prim for all your feedback! The soundtrack to this piece: Roll Away your Stone by Mumford&Sons.

* * *

He wants to understand:

what she sees when she wakes up desperate for his arms around her, shaking, crying, rambling to herself.

He tells her whatever it is, it isn't real -

but

on most days…  
that's not enough.

Other days, she is the headstrong girl he fell in love with.  
Singing a tune while scribbling something down in her journal.

The one her doctor gave her.

"It helps," she tells him. "When you and Prim aren't here."

It breaks his heart every time she mentions Prim.

Today has been worse than most.

Rushing out of her house  
he can feel his cheek sting.

He wants to go home  
to the warmth of his parents' bakery.  
But since the incident with Prim  
Peeta cannot find himself to leave one destructive environment  
for another.

Heading into town  
he passes the school  
the bakery  
the Justice Building.

He sighs deeply.

Coming up to the white house,  
he takes another deep breath  
his shaking finger rings the doorbell.

It is as if she is waiting by the door with how quickly she answers it.  
With a big blue ribbon tying back her blonde wavy hair, Madge Undersee is the epitome of innocence.

But he knows better.

The town knows better.

Her get-togethers are no secret,  
just another way to sweep calamity under the rug.

"So nice of you to join us, Peeta," she says with a giggle. Her blue eyes shining

as she steps out of the doorway.

He hesitates.  
Once he goes in,  
he cannot leave until morning at least.  
That's the rule.

Placing one foot in front of the other, he follows Madge as she skips down the hall and into den.

There are much fewer people than he imagined;  
but taking in tonight's attendance, one person catches Peeta by surprise.

Finnick Odair;  
sitting on the couch,  
with his head leaned back against the wall,  
his infamous green eyes count the flecks in the ceiling.

Madge stops in front of his lounging form with a final bounce.

Finnick's gaze lowers  
as grin stretches across his face.

Her hands crawl up his neck,  
nails digging into the back of his skull as she fists his thick bronze hair in her hands.

She forces him up for a kiss.  
A harsh one by the sounds of it.

Peeling herself off him, she slumps into his lap.

Both sated;  
she touches her lips to the marks on his neck  
while his fingers tangle between wisps of her hair.

"Katniss didn't want to come this time?" Finnick hums, clotting the blood dribbling from his lip with his tongue.

"I didn't extend the invitation to her," Peeta answers.

Madge giggles, "Need a break?"

_Her gray eyes are dull and distant as she shakes violently beneath her duvet._

_"Katniss," he calls gently, but she does not appear to hear him._

_"Katniss," he tries again._

_She does not blink._

_He is not even too sure she is breathing._

_"Katniss sweetie, it's me," he reaches for her braid, rubbing the ends between his fingers before bringing the soft hairs to his lips._

_Her eyes snap open, hands whipping out to smack his away._

_She catches his cheek instead._

_His girl is no weakling._

"Yeah," he says, taking a seat next to Johanna Mason whose eyes are already red and glassy.

Someone started early…

or maybe…

she never finished.

Peeta does not blame her.  
Being the sole survivor of the car accident that killed his family would weigh heavily on him too.

"I'll be right back then," she swings her legs out of Finnick's lap before bounding down the hall and up the staircase.

Peeta's gaze holds Finnick's from across the room.

The Golden...  
Man  
who radiates life,  
swims in good fortune -  
Why would he need to drown in Madge's commodities like the rest of them?

A loud thud and some shouting draws Peeta attention to the second level.

Johanna cackles, "The old man's awake. Better hide, Odair."

But Finnick does not so much as blink as heavy, uneven foot falls stumble down the stairs.

The putrid scent of potent whiskey and vomit hits Peeta's nose before the man walks into the den behind Madge, who is carrying a small black box on top of a larger wooden box.

Vacant gray eyes sweep the den,  
indifferently,  
until they land on him.

"'Bout time Bread Boy came back," Haymitch Abernathy, Madge's Uncle, slurs as he sways in his spot. "You bring your sweetheart along?"

It warms his heart that they care about Katniss, too.

"Next time," Peeta smiles, genuinely.

Haymitch nods as he lifts the half empty bottle of white liquor to his lips and takes a long swig.

"Take it slow tonight," Haymitch advises, his gray eyes drooping heavily as they watch Madge unpack the tiny vials and the series of syringes.

"Not interested in carting another dead body outta this place?" Finnick inquires, venom seeping through his words as he ties the tube around his upper arm.

There is a moment of silence.

Madge looks horrified,  
ready to rip Finnick's head from his neck  
but Haymitch just bursts into laughter.

"Not unless it's yours," he says, coming up behind his niece and kissing the top of her head. "There is nothing I'd like more than to dump your ass somewhere else. Think I could get Annie Cresta to help me, she's pretty good at it."

The green of Finnick's eyes turn black.  
Snatching the first available syringe full of morphling,  
a hiss of pain passes through the air,  
as he violently skewers it into the first vein he finds.

Haymitch watches with satisfaction,  
leaving the room the moment Madge's wide eyes train themselves on Finnick.

"Uncle Haymitch," she shouts.  
His reply,  
the curdling sounds of him retching over the mahogany floors.

Peeta feels like he is going to be sick.

Johanna's breathy laugh grounds him,  
"Their banter never gets old.  
Odair, you should develop a longer fuse, though."

"Fuck off, Jo," Finnick moans,  
waiting for the effects to sink in.

"Who's next?" Madge asks with a smile and two brand new syringes filled with the narcotic.

"Bread Boy," Johanna volunteers, sitting upright,  
"That way we don't leave the novice to the tough stuff,  
sticking a needle into someone's arm isn't anything like filling one of your pastries."

"I know that," he snarls, pulling his sweater over his head.

Madge tugs the tube tight,  
his hand begins to tingle.

"It's safe, it's safe, it's safe. No one's died. You're not going to die," Peeta chants to himself, eyes shut as he feels a quick pinch of the needle breaks the skin.

The liquid flows through his hot blood  
refreshingly.

"It'll take up to ten minutes before you start feeling anything,  
thirty until it peaks.  
Just lay down and relax," Madge tells him.

He vaguely sees Johanna reach for her,  
his eyes becoming heavy.

_"What are those?" Katniss asks, her inaudible steps making him jump._  
_The tray nearly falls out of his hands._

_But she catches it, _  
_her thin hands guiding his gloved ones up to the stovetop, _  
_where he places the treat._

_Her thin, bare arms find his midriff, _  
_as her face presses between his shoulder blades._

_"They're cheese buns," he replies,_  
_leaning back into her warm, _  
_inviting, _  
_touch._

_"They smell delicious,"_  
_her lips touch the nape of his neck._

_"I made them for you;_  
_I thought you might like something other than soup,"_

_"Can I have one now?"_

_Turning in her embrace_  
_her gray eyes shines silver, _  
_dark skin glows with its olive tint, _  
_and her coal black hair gleam_  
_in the orange flecks sunlight._

_She's something out of a dream…_

"You all right there, Peeta?"  
Madge's voice makes his eyes shoot open.

But it is not Madge he sees.

"_You're safe here, I won't let anything happen to you_," Katniss assures him, touching her lips to his wet cheek.

He reaches out to her,  
feels the solidity of her face in his hands,  
the softness of her hair,  
the ridges of her braid.

"Katniss," he croaks. "Katniss!"

_"Peeta,"_ she says in her strong voice.  
Those gray eyes of hers watch him in awe,  
they shine with tears.

His sobs reach his ears,  
loud,  
unadulterated.

_"It's okay, Peeta. I'm here. Please don't cry,"_  
Katniss pulls his head into her lap, her fingers twisting around individual curls.

"I've missed you so much," he mumbles.  
"I miss your smile.  
Your laugh.  
Even the way you tracked mud in the house after your hikes."

Her familiar laughter is contagious.

_"I've missed you too, Peeta."_

He touches the ends of her braid to his lips,  
this time  
it does not hurt.

_"That feels really nice."_

"You used to love when I did this.  
When we were kids…  
I would then touch it to your lips after…  
you used to turn so red."

Her giggle catches in her throat,  
tears roll down her cheeks.

"Oh no, Katniss.  
I'm sorry,  
please don't cry."

Leaning up,  
he kisses the tear tracks away.

"All better."

Her heart of glass cracks…

_"I miss her Peeta. _  
_I miss her so much_  
_it's not fair._  
_She was so young._  
_It was too soon…_  
_she hadn't even had her first kiss yet."_

…then shatters.

_"When are you coming home? _  
_I need you."_

"Soon."

_"How soon?"_

"Very,  
very,  
soon."

All is silent  
when he opens his eyes.

The rays of summer sun warm his cheeks;  
bringing his hand up to relish that warmth,  
all he feels is his cold,  
wet,  
tears.

Sadness escapes him,  
all that is left…  
emptiness.

The den is empty,  
save for Madge's  
sleeping,  
body  
covered solely by a blanket.

Unmistakably…  
the epitome of innocence.

Parched,  
he searches for water.  
His numb legs guide him to the kitchen.

With his bare back against the counter,  
Finnick Odair stares out at something beyond the horizon.

The fridge door creaks open.

"Magpie still asleep?"  
Finnick asks  
his eyes do not turn away.

Oh  
Madge.

"Yeah."

"Good,"  
he says  
facing Peeta  
smiling  
sadly.

The cool water rushing down this throat  
cuts the raw  
burning  
sensation.

"Enjoy yourself last night?"

"…yeah,"  
he answers with a smile.  
"I did.  
you?"

Finnick's laugh is hollow.

"She called me Gale."

"Oh.  
Sorry."

Turning around,  
Finnick's smile is  
soft,  
sad.  
He rolls his shoulders in a shrug.

"After you lost it,  
Jo lost it;  
Madge losing it too wasn't a surprise."

"I'm sorry."

"There is nothing to be sorry for.  
They needed a good cry,  
been far too long.

You're lucky Haymitch was in control last night though…  
no ones to be able to calm Jo  
quite like he does."

"Aren't their stories…similar?"

He shrugs,  
"Maysilee was his whole world."

Peeta takes a sip from his water.  
"It must be nice  
being able to understand."

"Yeah,"  
Finnick smiles,  
distantly.  
"It is…"

"Have Katniss come with you next time,"  
Madge's voice sounds as she pads into the kitchen  
with only Finnick's shirt on.  
"And you'll see."

Drawing her in,  
Finnick places a kiss to her temple.

Blue eyes widen.  
Katniss.  
Morning.  
Nightmares.  
_"I need you._"  
He has to get home.

Glass touches steel.  
Socks slide across mahogany,  
stepping their way into shoes.

"Thank you for everything,"  
he puffs.

"You're welcome.  
Send Katniss our regards,"  
they smile  
waving goodbye.

Peeta's feet carry him  
briskly  
back home.

Flying up the abandoned road to the Everdeen home,  
Katniss greets him  
in her worn leather boots;  
her father's hunting jacket,  
her mother's rocking chair,  
and sister's blanket  
with a weary smile.

"Peeta," she croaks  
rising from the chair.

Just like in his morphling induced haze  
her beauty glows in the morning sunlight.

One step,  
two,  
three.

He no longer feels the numbing emptiness he had only hours ago.  
Wrapping his arms around the cool leather, he lifts her up,  
holds her  
tight.

"Peeta…?"

"I'm sorry, Katniss.  
I'm sorry she left,  
I'm sorry_ I_ left."

"You came back home,  
that's all that matters,"  
her fingers find their way into his hair.

He inhales a shaky breath.

"Does Madge still have that blue ribbon?"

Her mumbled words make him hold her tighter.  
He wants to laugh,  
cry.

A two way mirror,  
now that is not fair.

"They're worried about you.  
They want you to come back.  
They want to help."

"That wasn't helping."

"Take away the party tricks  
and you've got a group of people no better than you  
or me, Katniss.  
They understand, better than I do."

He expects her scowl.

"Just think about it."

What he does not expect…  
it takes her  
five,  
ten,  
fifteen  
days  
before she gives him an answer.

On a rainy day,  
she sifts her hand through one of his  
as he sips at a steaming cup of tea  
she lets out a breathy 'okay'.

He does not let go of her hand as  
lock down their house for the night  
and make their way into town.

Past the school,  
his parents' bakery,  
the Justice Building.

Finnick opens the door.  
Madge throws her arms around her  
reclusive friend.  
Johanna ruffles his hair.

"Had a sudden change of heart?"  
Haymitch cracks a smile around his bottle.

"I thought it'd be nice…  
to see things from a different point of view,"  
Katniss smiles.

He wanted to understand;  
now as she wraps herself around him,  
not in fear  
he is a small step closer.


End file.
